Amy What's-Her-Name and the Tiger Mother Parenting

This, in case you haven't heard of it, is the latest parenting book out, and is causing quite a bit of controversy, as it should.

The author is either Chinese or American Chinese, living in the States and is a self-proclaimed "Tiger Mother".  (As I am a Mom born in the Year of the Tiger, I see my Tiger Mother self a little differently than she does!)  She pushes her two daughters to be the best in everything they do, nothing less than Number 1 spot is acceptable, and she is not beyond verbally berating them (I believe one phrase used for some "inferior" work her daughter had produced was "this is garbage") in order to get them to comply.  They are not allowed sleepovers, playdates, to have a choice in their extra-curricular activities, to be in school plays, nor to complain about not being in the school plays.  Yikes!

The first place I heard of this was on the adoption parenting Yahoo boards.  What was a little alarming to me was how some moms there were buying into the notion that, while Amy's methods may be a little harsh, her basic desire to push her children into "success" was quite acceptable and a desirable trait in a parent.  (Others talked about the downside of the pushy parent...personal unhappiness and at the extreme end, suicide).

I do agree with "pushing", to a point; (see my last posting regarding Skyler and homework) kids need to be ENCOURAGED to do their homework, put the time in, and be prepared to work in order to reap rewards.  Ideally, they first learn how to work at home, by helping with chores.  To berate them into doing it is not my style.  They also don't have to be "the best" at something in order to enjoy it, which is counter to what Amy Chua is saying.   (There's something philosophical here about enjoying the path along the way to the goal, as well as the final reward of reaching it).

I suspect, as parents, we all struggle with how to encourage our children to push themselves to where they are satisfied, and perhaps we all have differing views of "success".  I've had to think about that in regards to the response to this book, and consider where I stand and how much of Amy's style of Tiger Mothering is appropriate for our family.  Is a measure of success merely monetary?  What about personal happiness?  What about success in maintaining a partnership in marriage?  Success in self actualization?  I'm afraid that the Amy Chua's Tiger Mothers look at it in a much narrower way, and I don't agree with that.

I think we've all heard of the super Asian children achievers, maybe not the pressure behind them, but of their results.  We've seen the talented young musicians, the math whizzes, etc.  In Bob's and my experience though, many times we've also seen the difficulties these geniuses have socially.  In college or university it is evident, but not as critical as out in the working world, where a talented engineer or architect, for example, may not have the people skills to get their project completed to it's maximum potential. (And manage to tick a lot of people off along the way).

Having an Asian child ourselves, elicits a lot of outside comments on her probable "success".  People often assume that she is going to be a math or music whiz merely based on the fact that she is Chinese.  It's too soon to tell, and as her mother, of course I think she is clever, but I am very aware of not "pushing" her merely because of her cultural heritage.  If we see interest in music, for example, definitely she will have the opportunity to expand in that direction.  Will I force her to practice 3 hours per day?  I hardly think so. 

As with each of our children, it is fascinating to see them develop their interests.  As parents, we try to expose them to as much as possible to foster those interests.  I love seeing what Evie takes interest in at her young age.  I also know that things change for kids, and what piques their imagination at one phase, could easily be replaced by something else in another stage of their development.  I guess I'm more of an "Organic" Tiger Mother, willing to see my children flow and grow with their environment, tweaking that environment only slightly when necessary, in order for them to find their own place in the Universe, their own passions, the keys to their own happiness.

I see my Tiger Motherness in more of a protective tigeress role...they are my cubs and I will do whatever it takes to keep them safe and nurtured.
I guess I've pretty much made my point.  Enjoy the pics of the cubs.

Evie with my childhood dolly...

Some Daddy time.

Hangin' with brother Skyler when he wasn't feeling well the other day.

A congenial Evie and Sean moment.