Survived Another of Sean's Birthdays

There's always a little anxiety around Sean's birthday.  He never used to care, and that was sort of easy....just make him some sort of gluten-free dessert and he was fine.  We could give him presents, he might or might not care and that was it.

Before his 8th birthday he asked for a party.  So we organized something.  Since he doesn't have friends in the traditional sense, we asked 3 kids from another family from church/school over.  They know Sean and we figured they'd be pretty cooperative.

Sean just before his 8th birthday.

Skyler put together a mini-putt course in an empty apartment (since the weather was poor and we couldn't go out to a mini-putt course like I'd hoped).  We had a "schedule" of sorts, events to occur in a certain order, and so we started.

All was going well until Sean had trouble getting his ball through a difficult part of the mini-putt.  He started to get anxious, yelling at the other kids and it just escalated from there, till he got into a cardboard box for a bit.  I didn't think he'd leave it, and had to get him down to our apartment in order to feed the kids (whether Sean was going to participate or not).  Once downstairs he refused to come out for the meal and his cake, including the singing. 

The kids at the table having cake, sans Sean.

I can't remember what got him out, presents perhaps, but eventually he did venture forth out of the bedroom, and later even put together a book of drawings about it.

The next year, his 9th birthday, went a little better, but it was rushed planning.  We arrived home from China with baby Evie on Sept. 10, and had one day to organize a Sept. 12 party.  Again the Groenewoud kids came.  We did have some games and such, and all went pretty well, with no upsets.

Last year for number 10, Sean carefully prepared the schedule, and on the advice of some of my behavioural consultants, I also drew up a list of rules.  Sean thought they were for everyone else, but really they were for him.  "No crying or complaining" was the chief one I had in mind for him.  I really wanted him to understand that sometimes schedules have to change, and that he has to learn to adapt.

Overall this party went well too.  Sean was very involved in orchestrating everything, from the "cash desk" at the entrance (he charged his guests to come to the party; we donated the proceeds to Sunday school, but I don't think he knows that), to the formal intro meeting outlining the rules, to the timed-to-the-mnute games which he supervised but did not participate in.

Everyone was finding it amusing I think, and the time actually went pretty quickly.  We had a nice group out for the party, with no upsets.  (One little girl, whose aunt had brought her, was complimented on how good she had behaved....her response: "oh no we weren't allowed to cry; it was the RULES!")

The 2010 birthday guests.

So we come to this year.  I asked Sean way back in August if he wanted a party.  His response was non-committal ("I don't know"), so I said that if he couldn't make a decision, I was taking the easy way out and not planning one.  Closer to the day, I talked about having just a family dinner.  Easier said than done, as it turns out.

Bob's sister Cindy was due to arrive from Thunder Bay that day, but we had no idea at what time.  I had to get a gluten-free cake made, heaps of laundry done and put away, and beds changed.  I was quite busy in the morning, and planned to do a lot of this in the afternoon.  Just as I was getting ready to do the cake, the power went out.  A car had veered off the road near our house and hit two power lines.  Skyler and his buddy, out boarding, saw it happen and called 911.  The driver had had a seizure (was OK otherwise) and inside, I was having a seizure of a different sort....the cake had to be baked!!

So off I go to my sister's, who still had power, but had to bake the cake around her oven usage as she was in mid-dinner prep.  Then Bob phones that his sister has arrived, so I have to hit the store again and make sure we have enough.  Finally got home, still to heaps of laundry, and unmade beds, but nothing I could do about it at that point.  (I had also forgotten that he had a piano lesson... I mean I only remembered that about 3 days later!)

Sean in the meantime was wanting his birthday dinner.  Got that made, got everybody in for that, got the cake out, candles lit, cameras ready, Sean did the blowing out and cake served.  Whew I thought, we made it through another one. 

Sean and his decorations.  Not sure if Auntie Cindy looks impressed...

Sean blowing out table candles as well as the ones on his 1/2 chocolate, 1/2 vanilla cake.  Note the crystal bell in hand, used to announce a change in activity.

But then he mentioned presents, and I remembered I had a couple in the Shiatsu clinic.  Hauled them out, but by that point Something Had Gone Wrong and Sean threw them back in the hallway. 

Mind you I don't know What Went Wrong.  He just decided that things weren't going according to his preconceived ideas and so he didn't want the gifts.  They were put back in the clinic, where he knew they would keep till he was ready.  A couple of days later, he decided to start destroying them, making sure that I knew what he was doing, by walking by me and talking about the wrecking he was doing.  I eventually gave him the reaction that he wanted, which was that I noticed and got angry.  I mean, what is the point of my even trying to please him when he gets destructive and my money just ends up going down the drain?  It is an anomaly in him that I just don't get; when we try to get him something he'd like, he just can't seem to accept it.  It is one of the more sad and draining aspects of his Autism.

But there is hope.  Recently I was informed of some new funding that had come through for ABA (Applied Behavioural Analysis) training with Sean.  I spent quite a long time preparing a diagnostic report for him, collecting the results of the various university research projects he's been involved in, and getting it all sent off.  The other day I had an intake session with two therapists and learned more about the program.  It will be a blessing and very timely. 

Maybe by his 12th birthday we'll have some answers.