Impending Questions

     In choosing China to adopt our baby from, I knew we would eventually have to deal with the repercussions of the reasons children become available for adoption there. It is not unique to China for children to have an unknown background, but since China has had such numbers of them, it is spoken about frequently amongst adoptive parents.

First image we ever had of our baby girl.

     We only know what info was given in a report. We don’t know the hows or whys behind the decisions, and I know that could go either way. Some stories I have heard depict less emotion behind parents abandoning children, some stories indicate great anguish. We can only project our own feelings into the situation, and from that, imagine how difficult it would be to be put in the situation of having to make such a decision, or have it made for you by rules and regulations you are helpless to change.

Evie at the SWI, July 2009, age 8 months.

     I likely won’t have to deal with these issues until Evie is a bit older, and starts asking questions. I look at her now, in her sweet innocence, and pray that this does not become a huge source of sadness for her. To support her then, I have to deal with the issues myself, ahead of time. I read, I collect tales, I look for and buy the age-appropriate books.

     And I participate in research projects to try and find out as much info as possible about her finding, the area she is from, her orphanage, and anything that sheds light on her first 9 months of life without us.

     I happily go into these things thinking only of positive results, but after all is started, I find myself also thinking about the What If’s. What if her story ends up being quite different than what I imagine? What if we actually get somewhere with finding leads to birth family? I don’t really have answers right now.

     Ultimately the decision to pursue search and reunion should be up to the adoptee herself. In this case, I am having the research done without Evie’s permission, because I don’t want the info to get too old. What we share with her will be up to her. At some point, she will start asking about what we know, and we can gauge the age appropriate responses to her queries.

     When I was in College (2^nd time around), I had a classmate who had been adopted, and had just discovered his birth mother via his own searching. He in fact, received the first response letter from her at school by fax, (this was prior to e-mail) and shared it with us. It was a wonderful letter, one in which his birth mother told him, amongst other things,  that she and his birth father had been in love, doing her best to quell a lot of those fears adoptees have of being unwanted.. He, at the time, was in his late 20's, was married and had a child, and was quite ready to receive any kind of info. I lost touch with him after school, but I imagine he went on to try and connect further with her. How far one never knows; I think you take these things slowly.

     In trying to prepare myself for what research may find, I run various scenarios through my head. There’s the obvious one; the birth family found, us meeting them in China, showing off our daughter, and them being so happy to see her and know that she is safe and well, and us maintaining some kind of non-threatening contact, just enough to satisfy Evie’s internal longings for info about her background, but not enough to take her away from us.

Tiananmen Square, September 2009

     Then I have to broaden that into the more negative scenario where her birth parents aren’t thrilled with the contact, curious maybe, but perhaps not wanting to be reminded of a tough time in their lives. I can’t imagine doing that myself, but again, I’m trying not to project my own feelings onto this.

    This second scenario then leads me out of my own feelings and into Evie’s. What sort of supports would she need if the situation is a negative one? What can I, as her mother, do to help her through that? I don’t have answers, but the scenario changes to one that has us surrounding Evie with love, love, love, in order to "make up" for the lack of support from her blood ties.

     The one I haven’t explored is where she finds some joy in the meeting, and expresses interest in spending time with these people that have a blood tie to her, but not to me. That is a hard one; that is the one that leaves us out in the cold, and is not pleasant to think about, from my perspective.

     There is a book I read once, where the daughter does find her birth family as a teenager, and, having prepared herself by studying the language, is able to have a relationship with them. She doesn’t give up her adoptive family, and manages to swing between the two cultures. What stuck with me most about that book (and I can’t remember the title, nor if it was fiction or non) was how the meeting with the birth mother seemed to settle some deep longing in the daughter. I would want that for my daughter, if she needs it to complete herself, but part of me of course wants to give that to her myself, to "fix" that and not have to have it come from somewhere else. Jealousy!!

     In the meantime, as a mother, I have to remember what is best for my children. In the case of Evie I have to think more carefully, and watch for clues from her. I’m told that some of our adopted children start asking questions as early as 4 years old, so I will have to run those potential conversations through my head pretty soon.

     I also wait with anticipation on the results of the latest research project. I am so eager to know more about my daughter’s early life, despite the fears listed above.