His older brother is wracked with guilt, thinking he part of the reason his younger brother is going through this. As a young man, the older brother left the younger with their eccentric father, who was having his own problems. Older brother now felt that this was a mistake, and the younger brother was negatively affected by their father’s problems.
Of course the scenario of the two brothers got me thinking about our own two boys, and about how it must feel to have a sibling with a mental illness, or a neurological disorder such as Autism. This road has not been an easy one for Skyler, who has sometimes lamented it, other times bore it bravely and well.
It is difficult, when you have a little brother who was pooping on the floor till he was 5 years old, and still wants to ditch his clothes and run around the house stark naked. Hard to have friends over when he is trying to grab at your private parts, or worse, theirs, or makes comments about the same parts. (Thankfully we are pretty much through that phase) Difficult to have a sibling who wouldn’t play with you till he was in grade school, or be "gluten deprived" because your parents have banned gluten from the house as they were trying to change your little brother’s diet.
All these burdens (and more) he has borne, and the road ahead will only present further burdens. Unlike Lars’ brother, Skyler has no reason to assume guilt for Sean’s autism, but he may harbour some for losing his temper at times, or leaving the exacto knife out when Sean was little (allowing Sean to find it and cut himself up) and so on.
As a parent, I can’t do a lot to assuage that guilt, and can only empathize so far with him; I never had to go through that with a sibling. There are sibling support groups available, but Skyler has never wanted to join them. He doesn’t want to share his woes with others, doesn’t particularly want to hear about others' woes, and isn’t sure how it would help him accept his brother and deal with him any more effectively. He is learning, over time, what works and what doesn’t with Sean. Sky’s friends are old enough now to understand that Sean is a little different, and though Sky gets embarrassed, they are pretty accepting. As Skyler matures more, I expect he will be less embarrassed and more accepting of Sean himself.
In the meantime, we work on keeping Sean dressed, especially when people are visiting (which he is quite willing to do; it’s the unexpected guests who have to worry!), and allow Sky and his friends their own space when they come over.
Evie will someday notice that her brother is different; for the moment she knows Sean, and no one else, will take many opportunities to bug her, by touching her eyelids (all the while saying "Eyyyyyeliiiiidsss"), gently squeezing her arms (saying "Little Arms, Little Arms), and showing altogether too much interest in diaper changing time. I am on him for the latter, (discussions about "Privacy" generally follow) but try not to interfere overly with the former. I can’t get involved in every eyelid interaction, and she is developing her own ways of dealing with him. A konk on the head with a convenient toy works for awhile, although he enjoys that attention, and often wants her to konk him again. (See what I have to deal with on a daily basis?)
I was initially afraid that she might not want him near her, but she is quite willing to play with him, and is affectionate with him when he lets her be. (Big hugs, a kiss goodnight, tickle time together). She will have her own period of being embarrassed by her brother, I suspect, and we’ll deal with that when it comes. Perhaps Skyler will be able to share what he has learned.
After all, one reason we wanted to add to our family was to ensure Skyler did have a neurotypical sibling to share things with, and that Sean would have another sibling to learn "normal" activity from. I see a connection between Sky and Evie, so that is working, and we’ll have to see if Sean can learn anything from his sister as the years progress.
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