My Girl Likes To Potty All the Time (Well Almost)

Miss Evie has been familiar with the potty concept from way back.  My understanding is that even at the SWI (social welfare institute), the nannies had the babies in chairs with a convenient hole in the seat, quite often.  I do know that starting when we were in China, I could put her on the potty (with a convenient traveller fold-up seat that I had brought along) right after breakfast and she would go for me!

I tried this once we got home too, and it worked well on the days that I could get her there.  But life got busy and our mornings ended up rather hectic, once Bob was back to work and I was on my own, getting the three kids ready.  (Skyler was pretty self-propelling at that stage, but I still had to make sure he had everything, answer queries, sign things, etc. etc.)  So our routine of the toilet-after-breakfast suffered.

Eventually, after she was about 18 months old, I brought the potty out and just set it in the bathroom.  We had started reading some potty books, so there was interest.  She would go and sit on it, as a chair.  As you can see, she had her own reading material handy...

Then came more interest, and me putting her on it every now and then sans diaper.  I didn't expect miracles, since the synapses aren't really in place for them to "know when it is coming" prior to around 2.  But just before her second birthday, she responded when I set her on it, and made her first pee!  Wasn't long after Christmas before the first poop came also.  I started to let her go without a diaper at home, and just had to remember to set her on the potty. 

We did have the occasional accident, and she was always very good about telling me about it right away.  (Or Sean did, in that big brother snitch type of way.)

Then, when we were away at March break, living for a few days in a smaller space with only three rooms, she started to use the potty on her own, no reminders necessary from me!  Essentially, she trained herself.

Now though, we are at a plateau; she has no problem going on her own, unless she is wearing underwear or pull-ups!  Then it's just too easy to go in those....sigh.  I hate poopy diapers/pull-ups/underwear.  I think after three children, I've just had enough of it!

So, at home, we invariably end up wearing a lot of dresses with nothing underneath, and then she's independently going.  Or I have to be really really diligent about taking her to the potty every hour if she's wearing her Elmo underwear, which is a fave.  Sometimes she is cooperative, sometimes not.  And I just haven't been able to get her past the hurdle of going on her own while wearing underwear.  Not sure of the next step, but I just keep on trying.  Eventually she will get it.  They all do.  (If Sean could, any kid can....it took till he was 5, but we got there).

And today, we have a new seat, a step-up to the toilet, and a big girl who has some very good days with this.

I've been going through some old binders of adoption info, mostly emails that I've collected over the years during The Wait, which for us was 4 years.

I came across a really good one that I will share here, with proper sourcing.

Anyone who has ever gone through international adoption will know EXACTLY what this is about.  And the rest of you may learn....

"You might be adopting from China if....

- you know that I-600 and I-171 aren't highways
- you've been expecting a baby for over 3 years
- you understand that it's 2006 in some parts of the world
- you've "paid for" 3 citizenships, but never brought anyone into the US (ditto for me in Canada - Anne's note)
- you know that waiting for China has nothing to do with Dillards or dishes
- your homestudy is followed by a number (ie #3 or #4)
- you never know how many days next month will have
- you know that babies come in batches
- you've been fingerprinted four times, but never committed a crime
- you automatically assume everyone who is expecting is having a girl
- you own new clothing in 3 little sizes for all 4 seasons (because you don't know when or how big)
- you look twice when you see a lady bug (I STILL DO- Anne's note)
- you're more interested in what will happen in March 2006 than in March 2009
- you know people who understand when you talk about 2 day months and 5 day months
- your due date hasn't changed by days, but by years
- you know who the Rumor Queen is...AND you don't know who she is
- you know that forecast doesn't have anything to do with the weather
- you've waited so long, they re-checked your fingerprints to see if they changed
- when you speak of "that time of the month' you're talking about CCAA updates and referrals

and finally,

you might be adopting from China if you love someone you've never met with all your heart."

Margaret Leigh

So poignant when I first read it that I had to save it.  Thank you Margaret.

Impending Questions

     In choosing China to adopt our baby from, I knew we would eventually have to deal with the repercussions of the reasons children become available for adoption there. It is not unique to China for children to have an unknown background, but since China has had such numbers of them, it is spoken about frequently amongst adoptive parents.

First image we ever had of our baby girl.

     We only know what info was given in a report. We don’t know the hows or whys behind the decisions, and I know that could go either way. Some stories I have heard depict less emotion behind parents abandoning children, some stories indicate great anguish. We can only project our own feelings into the situation, and from that, imagine how difficult it would be to be put in the situation of having to make such a decision, or have it made for you by rules and regulations you are helpless to change.

Evie at the SWI, July 2009, age 8 months.

     I likely won’t have to deal with these issues until Evie is a bit older, and starts asking questions. I look at her now, in her sweet innocence, and pray that this does not become a huge source of sadness for her. To support her then, I have to deal with the issues myself, ahead of time. I read, I collect tales, I look for and buy the age-appropriate books.

     And I participate in research projects to try and find out as much info as possible about her finding, the area she is from, her orphanage, and anything that sheds light on her first 9 months of life without us.

     I happily go into these things thinking only of positive results, but after all is started, I find myself also thinking about the What If’s. What if her story ends up being quite different than what I imagine? What if we actually get somewhere with finding leads to birth family? I don’t really have answers right now.

     Ultimately the decision to pursue search and reunion should be up to the adoptee herself. In this case, I am having the research done without Evie’s permission, because I don’t want the info to get too old. What we share with her will be up to her. At some point, she will start asking about what we know, and we can gauge the age appropriate responses to her queries.

     When I was in College (2^nd time around), I had a classmate who had been adopted, and had just discovered his birth mother via his own searching. He in fact, received the first response letter from her at school by fax, (this was prior to e-mail) and shared it with us. It was a wonderful letter, one in which his birth mother told him, amongst other things,  that she and his birth father had been in love, doing her best to quell a lot of those fears adoptees have of being unwanted.. He, at the time, was in his late 20's, was married and had a child, and was quite ready to receive any kind of info. I lost touch with him after school, but I imagine he went on to try and connect further with her. How far one never knows; I think you take these things slowly.

     In trying to prepare myself for what research may find, I run various scenarios through my head. There’s the obvious one; the birth family found, us meeting them in China, showing off our daughter, and them being so happy to see her and know that she is safe and well, and us maintaining some kind of non-threatening contact, just enough to satisfy Evie’s internal longings for info about her background, but not enough to take her away from us.

Tiananmen Square, September 2009

     Then I have to broaden that into the more negative scenario where her birth parents aren’t thrilled with the contact, curious maybe, but perhaps not wanting to be reminded of a tough time in their lives. I can’t imagine doing that myself, but again, I’m trying not to project my own feelings onto this.

    This second scenario then leads me out of my own feelings and into Evie’s. What sort of supports would she need if the situation is a negative one? What can I, as her mother, do to help her through that? I don’t have answers, but the scenario changes to one that has us surrounding Evie with love, love, love, in order to "make up" for the lack of support from her blood ties.

     The one I haven’t explored is where she finds some joy in the meeting, and expresses interest in spending time with these people that have a blood tie to her, but not to me. That is a hard one; that is the one that leaves us out in the cold, and is not pleasant to think about, from my perspective.

     There is a book I read once, where the daughter does find her birth family as a teenager, and, having prepared herself by studying the language, is able to have a relationship with them. She doesn’t give up her adoptive family, and manages to swing between the two cultures. What stuck with me most about that book (and I can’t remember the title, nor if it was fiction or non) was how the meeting with the birth mother seemed to settle some deep longing in the daughter. I would want that for my daughter, if she needs it to complete herself, but part of me of course wants to give that to her myself, to "fix" that and not have to have it come from somewhere else. Jealousy!!

     In the meantime, as a mother, I have to remember what is best for my children. In the case of Evie I have to think more carefully, and watch for clues from her. I’m told that some of our adopted children start asking questions as early as 4 years old, so I will have to run those potential conversations through my head pretty soon.

     I also wait with anticipation on the results of the latest research project. I am so eager to know more about my daughter’s early life, despite the fears listed above.

Xin Nian Kuai Le

Or, Happy New Year in Mandarin Chinese.

We celebrated Chinese New Year this past weekend, with other adoptive families in Toronto.  We had travelled to China together, and I hadn't seen most of these kids since then.  Wonderful to see how they've grown and thrived!  Check them out.

Little Evie is on the right side, in a little outfit we had made in Nanchang.  I remember at the time that outfit seemed so big!  She doesn't like Mandarin collars, so was a little fussy with it at first, but I unbuttoned it and she persevered. 

She was a little quiet at first, but warmed up and of course enjoyed playing with the toys of our host family, as well as with her brothers.

Sean was especially thrilled with the radiant floor heating system, and checked out the boiler/manifold/pipes, which will probably make their way into his future drawings.

I enjoyed chatting with the other parents and catching up on a year and a half worth of parenting tales.

A very nice celebration.

Amy What's-Her-Name and the Tiger Mother Parenting

This, in case you haven't heard of it, is the latest parenting book out, and is causing quite a bit of controversy, as it should.

The author is either Chinese or American Chinese, living in the States and is a self-proclaimed "Tiger Mother".  (As I am a Mom born in the Year of the Tiger, I see my Tiger Mother self a little differently than she does!)  She pushes her two daughters to be the best in everything they do, nothing less than Number 1 spot is acceptable, and she is not beyond verbally berating them (I believe one phrase used for some "inferior" work her daughter had produced was "this is garbage") in order to get them to comply.  They are not allowed sleepovers, playdates, to have a choice in their extra-curricular activities, to be in school plays, nor to complain about not being in the school plays.  Yikes!

The first place I heard of this was on the adoption parenting Yahoo boards.  What was a little alarming to me was how some moms there were buying into the notion that, while Amy's methods may be a little harsh, her basic desire to push her children into "success" was quite acceptable and a desirable trait in a parent.  (Others talked about the downside of the pushy parent...personal unhappiness and at the extreme end, suicide).

I do agree with "pushing", to a point; (see my last posting regarding Skyler and homework) kids need to be ENCOURAGED to do their homework, put the time in, and be prepared to work in order to reap rewards.  Ideally, they first learn how to work at home, by helping with chores.  To berate them into doing it is not my style.  They also don't have to be "the best" at something in order to enjoy it, which is counter to what Amy Chua is saying.   (There's something philosophical here about enjoying the path along the way to the goal, as well as the final reward of reaching it).

I suspect, as parents, we all struggle with how to encourage our children to push themselves to where they are satisfied, and perhaps we all have differing views of "success".  I've had to think about that in regards to the response to this book, and consider where I stand and how much of Amy's style of Tiger Mothering is appropriate for our family.  Is a measure of success merely monetary?  What about personal happiness?  What about success in maintaining a partnership in marriage?  Success in self actualization?  I'm afraid that the Amy Chua's Tiger Mothers look at it in a much narrower way, and I don't agree with that.

I think we've all heard of the super Asian children achievers, maybe not the pressure behind them, but of their results.  We've seen the talented young musicians, the math whizzes, etc.  In Bob's and my experience though, many times we've also seen the difficulties these geniuses have socially.  In college or university it is evident, but not as critical as out in the working world, where a talented engineer or architect, for example, may not have the people skills to get their project completed to it's maximum potential. (And manage to tick a lot of people off along the way).

Having an Asian child ourselves, elicits a lot of outside comments on her probable "success".  People often assume that she is going to be a math or music whiz merely based on the fact that she is Chinese.  It's too soon to tell, and as her mother, of course I think she is clever, but I am very aware of not "pushing" her merely because of her cultural heritage.  If we see interest in music, for example, definitely she will have the opportunity to expand in that direction.  Will I force her to practice 3 hours per day?  I hardly think so. 

As with each of our children, it is fascinating to see them develop their interests.  As parents, we try to expose them to as much as possible to foster those interests.  I love seeing what Evie takes interest in at her young age.  I also know that things change for kids, and what piques their imagination at one phase, could easily be replaced by something else in another stage of their development.  I guess I'm more of an "Organic" Tiger Mother, willing to see my children flow and grow with their environment, tweaking that environment only slightly when necessary, in order for them to find their own place in the Universe, their own passions, the keys to their own happiness.

I see my Tiger Motherness in more of a protective tigeress role...they are my cubs and I will do whatever it takes to keep them safe and nurtured.
I guess I've pretty much made my point.  Enjoy the pics of the cubs.

Evie with my childhood dolly...

Some Daddy time.

Hangin' with brother Skyler when he wasn't feeling well the other day.

A congenial Evie and Sean moment.

A Little Girl Has a Birthday

Our little Evie turned two the other day!

I photographed the start of the day.....

...a beautiful sunrise across the river.  Here is when I have a few moments to think about what time of day Evie might have been born, to think on the circumstances in her birth family, and to hope that her birth mother knows deep in her heart that Evie is doing very well. 

Next our Birthday girl woke up early, and we got Sean up (she loves to pester him when he's half asleep..."UP SHA, UP SHA") and once he was ready, got him off to school.

All dressed to take Sean to school.

Then after breakfast, we started working on a birthday sign.  Evie enjoyed colouring and we traced her hand and foot also, prompting her to want them traced all over the sign, but Mummy didn't go for it.  (It's not easy being 2; Mommy gets her way!)

Then an afternoon of our usual activities; working around the house, grocery shopping, and a visit from Cousin Bianca to deliver a present.  Miss Evie knew exactly what to do...no playing with the box for this little girl!  Fun things are inside the fancy paper!

Somewhere in the day we lost a few clothes....a shirt anyways.  This is becoming a bit of a habit....

And when it was time for the cake after dinner, I had JUST gotten the candles lit, when a tired little girl who was spinning around, bumped her head on the phone table!

She managed to pull it together for a picture with her cake though.

And enjoy some of her presents.

It was impossible to get the three together for a picture...the loonies had hit our house and no one was listening to anyone else, Dad was super-tired after working nights, Evie was super-tired because she hadn't napped all day, Sean was starting to orchestrate the festivities again, and Skyler wasn't having any of it!  It finally hit me too, when Sean wouldn't give up the video camera, but was only filming floor and feet, as he tends to focus on the activity in front of him, but not point the camera in that general direction.  Peace did come eventually, and Evie even let Sean share in playing with her Ninky Nonk.

I wonder what Christmas will be like?

Comments on our Belated One Year Adoption Anniversary

This is way overdue, since our Adoption Day anniversary was actually August 30, and Sept. 11 was the celebration of being home in Canada for a year.  I wanted to share some pics to compare, and talk a bit about how Evie has progressed.

From the photos, you can see the physical changes, and of course how well she has settled into being a member of our family.

She has added so much to our family.  It hasn't always been an easy year, what with the natural demands of a baby and now toddler, but the good times definitely outweigh the harder moments.

Our little girl is a talker.  Even though it isn't always intelligible, she loves to chat and try out new words.  She has started putting three words together in a sentence, things like "Eeegie go too".  Besides "No", the word "too" has become a word of power for her.  Evie too.  Include me along with those boys please.  I want to have what they're having, do what they're doing, go where they're going.  I don't care that there's dangers, I have to try it too. And I don't understand when Mommy says No!

I don't know her exact weight, but a couple of weeks ago it was about 24 lb, 11.2 kg, I think.  We were at the vet's to pick up Lola's toothpaste and I plopped Evie on the handy scale in the waiting room!  She's about 84 - 85 cm, 33 -  33 1/2", (she wiggles around a fair bit, so it's hard to get an accurate dimension), and I am pleased to see her outgrowing clothes and shoes.  She's not chubby, but has a nice, sturdy figure. 

Eating is sporadic; a toddler's palate.  She eats what we eat, and I have taken to sneaking good foods into my cooking, a la Jessica Seinfeld.  She has a great cookbook out, called Deceptively Delicious, and I find it very handy.  Evie cannot tolerate dairy, which isn't a bad thing really, since Sean can't either, so I'm used to dealing with that.  No ear infections, or chronic snotty noses either.  So far anyways.

Loves her brothers, for the most part anyhow.  Sean still wants to touch her eyelids and do things to irritate her, like put her toys up high out of reach, but he also will do things for her.  Yesterday, for instance, at a school meeting, he got out a box of plastic shapes for her to play with, and when it was time to go, put her socks and shoes on, and got her into her coat.  She will give him hugs and blow kisses.  Skyler is who she will run to when she needs respite from Sean's teasing.  He can get her to sleep, deal with her crankiness and loves to take her along to do his newspapers, or shopping.  She will happily sit with him on the couch to watch the teen TV shows, and let Mummy get dinner ready in peace.  He is very good with children, and we are fortunate to have his help.

Now, she is "helping" me as I sit and write, by bringing me bits of hair and dirt (I don't know from where, honestly!!), saying "dirty, dirty".  She loves to clean, but makes up for it in spades with her other antics that can leave a formerly clean room in a shambles!  She has taken to picking off leaves of plants, which definitely does not make Mummy happy!!  She loves to water them too, so I give her a bit of H20 in a watering can and let her go to town (then generally follow with a ShamWow).  Ya, she is a handful at times, but it's very interesting to watch her patterns of play, compared to the boys.  Sean of course, had very eccentric play at this age, sliding papers in and out of a crack for ages at a time, carefully placing items on each corner of a table, flicking lights on and off forever.  It was unique and interesting to observe.  But it is a relief for me to see Evie doing the typical developmental things, such as stacking blocks and playing with cars and dolls in a conventional manner.  She is like Skyler was, in that there's always a running dialogue going, either humming or babbling, or trying out new words.  I always know where she is in the house, and if she's quiet, well then I know there's trouble!!

She is showing more and more love for us, coming specifically to cuddle and snuggles right in.  She seems to have attached very well.  At night she still prefers to roll away and be by herself, but always needs early morning snuggles (sometimes a little too early for Mommy) to start her day.

"Boof" (the taggy blanket) is still very important.  She uses Boof to get to sleep, and as a general comfort tool, although I don't encourage Boof to leave the bed (I'm deathly afraid of losing it!).  I don't know the implications of having a toddler sucking on cloth tags, but it's got to be better for their teeth than a soother.  I am very glad that those are not popular in China, and our girls never grew attached to them.

So all in all, she is growing up, and is a happy, contented girl.  Everyone says I'll pay later, when she's about 13, but I've got 11 good years in front of me to enjoy first!

Anne.

Attention Walmart Shoppers (long)

I used to hate this place.  I hated that they came into our small town and took away business from downtown.  I managed to avoid going in for the first year or so, then ventured in when I couldn't find an item anywhere else.  I hated the cheap coloured concrete floors, the bad lighting, the total lack of design sense, and the vastness and difficulty in finding items.  I mouthed "I hate this store" upward into every hidden camera I could find, especially when the item I was seeking eluded me.  Inevitably, on every visit, there would be one of those colourful Walmart customers as seen on pictures floating around the internet, usually berating their children loudly and sometimes swearing while they did it.  I hated seeing that, and avoided the store when I could.

Then they added the grocery section....and I found it to be a fairly good grocery section.  Decent cuts of meat at decent prices, nice fresh fruits and veggies, a good rotating variety of same, and a hummus (Sabra) to die for.  Now, I am there maybe not every week, but much more than before.

So the other day, while perusing which delicate flavour of hummus I would take home, I had one of those interested Walmart customers come by me, and then do a double take and make a beeline toward Evie in the cart.  My girl draws some attention here, because she is Chinese and I am not, and she is cute and I am not, but this just got downright creepy.  Because the woman wouldn't leave us alone.

"And where did YOU come from?" she asks Evie, who just stared at her with a toddler's wondering eyes.  Now normally, I am OK with people making polite enquiries about my girl.  Usual comments and questions about her ethnicity, adoption, China in general and so on, are chances for me to educate the general public on the sometimes very misunderstood topic of international adoption.  They don't need to know personal details of Evie's story, as that is hers to tell when she is older and chooses to do so herself, but generalities are easy to discuss.

Her query wasn't what bothered me; it was the slightly hungry look in her eyes.  So I answered politely and moved the cart along as though I was in a hurry (which I probably was).  She moved along in another direction too, but of course I HAD to meet her in another aisle.  This time, a little closer to the baby, more interest, more hunger.  "Maybe", I thought to myself, "if I answer some more of her questions, she'll be satisfied and will leave us alone."  Wrong.  She wouldn't leave, so I had to just start moving the cart along, gently at first, then with a bit more urgency.  She did get the hint, but later, had to attempt one more try at engaging Evie.

I may be making more out of this than what was intended, but it still left me with a shivery feeling.  It's possible there was mental illness involved, or just an enthusiasm that crossed borders.

So what are the "acceptable" approaches to someone who has a cute baby?  What is "too enthusiastic"?  When we were in process for Evie (4 long years of it), I was always drawn to the mixed race family, wanting to talk to the parents, to tell them that I too was going to be the mom of a baby from China and hear their experiences.  But I also realized that having perfect strangers approach with questions about your children could be a little disconcerting, especially in a public place.  And I had read countless stories on adoption chat groups, of supposedly well-meant comments that just came off as crass.  So I'd maybe smile, and if they smiled back, and we were in a queue or somewhere that conversation was inevitable, I might start the dialogue. 

Due to my own reticence I don't think this happened very often, and I preferred to save my queries for occasions when it was guaranteed to be acceptable, usually on outings of adoptive families.  There, I found parents were extremely happy to share, because merely by your presence at these events, you were already advertising that you were going to be part of the "club".

For those not in the "club", I wish I had a manual on how to approach the parents of the cute Asian and African babies.  I don't.  I can only say that anything you say, you do so pretending that the child understands all of it, no matter how young they are.  Therefore, you don't ask the personal questions about her finding or adoption costs or birth parents etc. and probably first and foremost, you don't automatically assume that the baby IS adopted!  After all, there are a lot of multiracial families formed through birth as well. Most people do want to talk about their babies, and are open to nice conversation, just no staring or hungry looks please!

So smile, Walmart shoppers, say she's cute if you like, and move your cart along.  That is, unless you have polite questions, which I am always happy to answer.  Now where the heck is that hummus.....